I miss Japan.

I feel like a fish out of water, shocked and dazed.

There were many times when in Japan when I thought I was going to go mad with boredom. I slowly began to realize that it was merely due to the fact that I was unused to so much free time. I literally had too much time to study, which in normal terms overwhelms me to the point of mentally shutting down. I think I would have been a great deal better off if I had volunteered somewhere, had been employed, or was in a structured study program. Or actually, even internet access would have been a wonderful improvement (my grandmother does not have a computer).

But then there were the great moments that I had looked forward to each week. Japanese class got me pumped every friday morning. My sensei was so patient unlike so many of the other teachers, she taught and encouraged conversation which was exactly what I need. I loved my friend Shelley's entertaining stories as an American mother living in Japan (22 years!). I began cultivating a friendship with a Chinese girl, Lisee, a sweet and hardworking student. I was so regretful on my last day of class that I could not stay longer, as we were both at the point that we were actually conversing through a second language, Japanese. How amazing is that? It blows my mind!

And then there was the English class in Gyotoku. They are the sweetest, kindest, respectful people I have ever had the blessing to meet. They were always so interested in my reactions and my thoughts and were always willing to answer my questions. I had a great time tasting all the delicious lunches that we ate on Saturday (JAPANESE BARBEQUE IS THE BEST FOOD ON THIS EARTH), as well as always being drunk (multiple beers with lunch!). I always felt very well taken care of, almost like an ambassador, and I fear I never was able to express how grateful I was due to my own cultural context. No amount of bows or domo arigatou gozaimasu's could express what these people provided for me. I learned so much from them and I even now I am feeling tears behind my eyes thinking of all the good times.

And oh the food...the crazy-fun television programs...all the pretty boys (#^_^#)...

Now I am home in America and all I see is too-wide spaces, bland/over-portioned food, and a large number of unhealthy people. A lot of these problems are not people's fault, rather are due to corporate greed and the government's inability to educate the public on healthy habits. Our car culture has made us sedentary and it is true, the perception of being overweight has changed over time. The fatter our friends and peer groups become, the fatter "normal" looks to us.

I think now what is most disturbing is that I don't see any Asians, which I knew before, but now find odd and displacing. And I am starting to wonder when people look at me, do they wonder if I can even speak fluent English? Or do they automatically think I am Chinese, as people have in the past? Do they continue to assume that I must play 50 instruments and am good at math?

And if I could only stop my habit of bowing. Yes, I keep bowing, which was a tendency before Japan (I am sure my professors noticed it, as I noticed myself doing it), but now it is almost a constant habit.

I am much quieter now, observing everything with a distinct feeling of being ill-at ease, out of place. I know that it will pass, but then again, I am going to confuse things further by moving to Canada in two weeks. Imagine putting your life for the next year into only two suitcases. A daunting task, indeed! Good thing that I am a minimalist at heart.

Now I am just going to spend as much time with my family while I still can. I even got my mother hooked onto my favorite Japanese dorama, Hanazakari no kimitachi e! We both love Nakatsu (Ikuta Toma) because he's a spazz-tastic sweetheart. And yes, I always root for the underdog. Underdogs need love too.

Off to get some new clothes for Canada's much colder climate, though I am worried I will freeze because even America is much, much cooler than Japan right now. I go to sleep with three blankets and winter clothes, while my parents are in shorts and three fans. Pretty crazy, huh? Pray for me that I don't freeze!